More Winter

The groundhog died. No kidding. Not the Pennsylvanian prognosticator, but the one from Jersey. Betty White dies right before her 100th birthday and the day before February 2nd, this whistle pig says, Hold my beer. 2022 seems to be shaping up to be the year of thick irony.

Tears ran down my face in laughter as I read in the news outlets that a suitable replacement could not be found in time. We’ve become such an on-demand society that reporters made it seem like it was Amazon’s fault one could not order a fresh, live one in time, much like having live lobsters delivered overnight to your doorstep.

For most folks, the only live groundhog they’ll ever see will be the one in news stories online or in print; one who is held aloft by a top-hatted, black-gloved member of a secretive men’s organization much like the Masons or Skull & Bones. Let me tell you that groundhogs are not the docile, cuddly looking critters Mr. Tophat would have you believe.

First, if you ever grabbed a wild one without thick gloves complete with long, suede gauntlets covering your forearm, you’d end up with a set of nasty scratches. It takes a mattock and serious sweat to dig even the smallest of hole in the shale soil out in the fields, but with their mighty forearms and long claws they effortless excavate warrens deep enough to swallow tires on farm equipment.  If you don’t let go from the scratching, you’ll get bitten. Teeth on a groundhog are referred to as tusks. Tusks tend to be sharp, pointed, and able to inflict lots of damage. And that’s if you can catch one. Despite being a fireplug of muscle and fur, woodchucks are fast. Faster than racoons, opossums, skunks, and porcupines, they’ll scurry back to their burrows at the slightest sound or movement, especially an opening door or window and clicking off the safety on a rifle.

Groundhogs aren’t necessarily something that is routinely kept as a pet or bred in captivity either.  Over the years I’ve known plenty of wildlife rehabilitators and environmental programs who keep assorted wildlife for demonstration purposes, but I’ve never met any who had a tame groundhog. That should tell you something right there. This must mean that the Inner Circle who houses and cares for Punxsutawney Phil must handle their groundhog pups (also called kits or chucklings) from an early age. Gestation for a groundhog is only 30 days, but they are born much like other rodents—hairless and blind. They must have fun meetings where everyone passes around the baby groundhogs for cuddling.

 I’d also like to see the enclosure where Phil & his phamily reside. Groundhogs are notorious for pushing their way through woven wire fence, burrowing deep under walls, gnawing their way through wood, and even going through electrified netting if caught inside.

Groundhog Day is strictly an American tradition. Each year at the market after that overweight squirrel makes his (actually it’s a her) prediction, at least one international customers asks What’s up with this groundhog thing? I give them the traditional reason, being that if the groundhog sees his shadow we’ve got six more weeks of winter as well as the scientific reason, male groundhogs are coming out of their burrows to visit the ladies.

Groundhogs are a true hibernating animal. They don’t technically sleep the entire time, but instead go into a state of torpor where they do not eat or drink. When groundhogs emerge from their burrows it means the days are getting longer and the ground is warming from longer days. Males are always the first to emerge with females following about a month behind coming out for a good meal or two before giving birth.

“So it’s not a real thing?” they’ll ask after given the explanation.

Nope, it’s just another marketing schtick to get people to visit small towns who keep groundhogs for predicting spring. Afterall, Phil once flew to Chicago to be on Oprah for Groundhog Day. I’ll stick with the real signs of spring when the animals start shedding out their winter coats and the pastures begin to turn green. I suggest if they really want to see a true sign of spring to wait for the cherry blossoms which are much prettier than Phil. By the way, my groundhogs didn’t bother to come out and tell me if spring will be early or late this year, but the livestock are starting to shed their winter coats which means spring is on the way.